THE EYE knows that you have MANY QUESTIONS. THE EYE also knows that SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS are ABOUT THE EYE.
about the eye
What is THE EYE? THE EYE is a source of BENEVOLENT ODDITY and FRIENDSHIP.
Can THE EYE tell my future? YES. You WILL DIE.
When will I die? IN THE FUTURE.
Does THE EYE make any noise? THE EYE emits a high-pitched hum. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HARMONIZE WITH THE EYE UNLESS YOU ARE PART OF A BARBERSHOP HARMONY SOCIETY-SANCTIONED QUARTET OR QUINTET.
Is THE EYE interested in being my friend? THE EYE is 100% INTERESTED in YOUR FRIENDSHIP. But DO NOT TAKE THE EYE’S FRIENDSHIP LIGHTLY. THE EYE is a KIND and FIERCELY LOYAL FRIEND whose feelings should not be MEDDLED WITH.
Is THE EYE part of the Illuminati and their New World Order? No. The only NEW WORLD ORDER that THE EYE is interested in is the NWO of FRIENDSHIP.
Has THE EYE been featured in the media? Yes. BEHOLD THE EYE in THE LA WEEKLY (before JERKS bought it) and the PASADENA STAR NEWS (image NUMBER 4 in the SLIDESHOW).
Can THE EYE get wet? No, THE EYE is unable to EXPERIENCE MOISTURE. Thus, THE EYE will never know THE JOY of STANDING OUTSIDE as those FIRST RAINDROPS BEGIN TO FALL, igniting the MINERAL SMELL OF PAVEMENT.
Is THE EYE made of gold? NO.
Is THE EYE made of silver? NO.
Is THE EYE made of platinum? NO. Why are you ASKING about THIS?
Because THE EYE seems precious, like a precious metal. The MOST PRECIOUS things are often not the things LABELED "PRECIOUS." For example, the "PRECIOUS MOMENTS" line of FIGURINES and GREETING CARDS is far too UBIQUITOUS and SACCHARINE to ever truly be PRECIOUS.
What does THE EYE think about "an eye for an eye"? IT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT DATING SITE.
Does THE EYE believe in LOVE? The answer is CONTAINED HERE:
Does THE EYE have further thoughts on love? YES. LOVE is like a small “THE EYE” that LIVES INSIDE YOUR HEART. It is a BENEVOLENT FORCE that sees YOUR TRUTH and THE TRUTH OF OTHERS. THE EYE knows that, for most people, THIS TRUTH IS GOOD. That does not mean YOUR TRUTH isn’t MESSY or COMPLICATED or metaphorically COVERED IN ANXIOUS AND STINGING BEES. But it means that, at your CORE, you have something LOVABLE INSIDE. CHERISH THAT.
the eye and halloween
Is THE EYE a Halloween costume? Do you consider the DEEPEST TRUTH OF YOUR HEART to be a COSTUME?
Well, can I dress up as THE EYE for Halloween? CERTAINLY. If you do so, please send a PHOTOGRAPH. THE EYE appreciates VISUAL EVIDENCE.
Can I dress up as the "sexy" version of THE EYE for Halloween? THE CURRENT VERSION OF THE EYE IS ALREADY THE SEXY VERSION.
Does THE EYE have a favorite Halloween candy? YES. It is ALMOND JOY.
Ew! That's a bad choice. Too often, people confuse PERSONAL PREFERENCES with BAD CHOICES. THE EYE asks that you please RESPECT its CANDY DESIRES, just as it RESPECTS YOURS.
the eye and startups
Would THE EYE like to invest in my startup? PROBABLY NOT.
But we’re disrupting things! What THINGS?
Things that haven’t been disrupted before! As far as “EYE” understand it, MOST WORTHWHILE THINGS have already been DISRUPTED, leaving NEW STARTUPS with a GRAB BAG of things that SHOULD NOT BE DISRUPTED. It’s a RACE TO THE BOTTOM: the NEW AMERICAN DREAM of being a 19-YEAR-OLD NOBODY with a BRILLIANT IDEA and CODING SKILLS is becoming IMPOSSIBLE. NOW, young ENTREPRENEURS find themselves splitting pieces of an INCREASINGLY SMALL PIE and trying to convince the public that they have a FULL SLICE.
Fine. It’s cats. We’re disrupting cats. CATS are for PETTING and FRIENDSHIP, not DISRUPTION. NO THANK YOU.
events with the eye
Will THE EYE attend my party, art opening, comedy show, or film premiere? First of all, THE EYE congratulates you on your celebratory event. THE EYE is happy to stand watch over your event under the following conditions:
THE EYE is not expected to speak, unless it is delivering a speech that was written by THE EYE. (THE EYE is very happy to write a speech with at least two (2) week’s notice.)
THE EYE is provided a beverage, a straw to drink from, AND photographic evidence of said straw existing. This photographic evidence must be emailed or texted to THE EYE at least five (5) hours before the event.
THE EYE is allowed two (2) guests. (When you are friends with THE EYE and THE EYE is not speaking, being a +1 can be lonely. +2 allows for two friends of THE EYE to speak to each other, although they will mostly just talk about THE EYE.)
Will THE EYE critique my art/comedy/film? If you care more about BEING CRITIQUED than BEING SEEN, THE EYE might not BE FOR YOU. However, if YOU CRAVE JUDGEMENT, be sure to ask for THE EYE’S E-Z CRITIQUE SHEET before THE EYE leaves your event.
Will THE EYE bear witness to my wedding ceremony? Before THE EYE agrees to WITNESS any WEDDING OR COMMITMENT CEREMONY, THE EYE must know that the couple's INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR and their HEARTS ARE TRUE. But despite THE EYE'S SUPERIOR VISION, THE EYE can not SEE DIRECTLY INTO THE HUMAN HEART until THE EYE finally receives its ULTRASOUND TECH CERTIFICATION. This means that THE EYE will need to SPEND TIME with the couple to GET TO KNOW THEM. THE EYE is available to do this MOST EVENINGS, except for TUESDAYS and THURSDAYS, because that is when THE EYE is taking the aforementioned ULTRASOUND TECH CLASSES.